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Free biscuits, but at what cost?

Well, it’s about bloody time!

Somebody has finally offered me some free biscuits as a direct reward for my scientific and wordsmith excellence.  I congratulate them.  All I have to do is shamelessly feature their ‘viral’ ad campaign and maybe mention that you should ‘like’ their Facebook page.  A happy trade-off?  In terms of a straightforwards, I scratch your back you scratch mine relationship sense, it all seems legit.  Imagine:  The door goes, you get up looking to have stern words with a charity fundraiser, blood boiling at their smug approach and stock set of ‘objection responses’, “Ah but did you realise that 3% of Angolan children have never eaten chocolate?” No, but neither do I care; get a real job, lose the attitude, leave me in peace.  You answer the door and instead find a scowling postman burdened by the weight of the biscuits he’s carrying in that gigantic box.  Happy. Days.

Life however, can be slightly different. Details, have a habit of ruining the magic.  In this instance the problem lay in the approach.

Now as I’m sure you, dear readers, understand I’m not an easy man to contact.  I require a certain tact, a presence of mind, a keen wit.  It therefore offends my sensibilities to receive a message from a chap called Charlie, who whilst obviously having a hard time pushing a dry biscuit and a frankly comedy ‘viral’, could have done worse than not patronise me.  I have 5 senses Charlie, and none of them like your biscuits.  Of course it’s easy to throw around generic complaints, but I, ever willing to encourage scrutiny have decided instead to publish Charlie’s message in full with a ‘fully embedded’, ‘viral’.  He gets what he wants, (you’re welcome Charlie) and I get some free biscuits, (right Charlie?).  Let’s look at this a little more closely.

Submitted on 2012/05/10 at 6:54 am

Good morning,

Christ Charlie it’s way too early to be sending me a message.  Either go to bed, it’s going to be another tough day pushing those dry biscuits, or, man that’s the start of a long day, they must be really difficult to sell.  He continues:

As a fellow biscuit lover,

Well played sir.

I thought you’d be interested to know that Hit biscuits (made by Bahlsen, who also make Choco Leibniz) are embarking on a massive push in stores!

Some of you might have seen my near expert level Hit Biscuits Vlog and will therefore appreciate my slight lack of enthusiasm.  For those of you who don’t have 12 minutes spare to enjoy my informative company, I can condense my findings:  they’re pretty dry, the chocolate’s good, they’re seriously noisy and you’ll loose at least half of each biscuit in crumbs on you/ the floor/ your sofa/ your desk/ your cat.  I wasn’t exactly moved.  On a enforced positivity note, I never like a paltry exclamation mark to fill the void that the effective use of the English language could have accomplished.  An amateur move.

They’ve developed a new viral campaign you can see here: (link). I thought this could be of interest to your readers?

Well it’s certainly proved interesting to the readers.  We’ve learnt that Hit are trying to sell us more biscuits, and that’s excellent.

They can also Like the re-launched brand on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/HitofHappiness.

Would this be of interest?

Easy Charlie, seems like there’s a lot for us to be interested by.  Maybe use a Thesaurus on the next one.  Instead of, ‘of interest’, perhaps:

Affect, amuse, appeal to, arouse, attract, concern, engage, engross, entertain, enthrall, excite, fascinate, grab, hook, intrigue, involve, lure, perk up, pique, please, tantalise, tempt, titilate or turn on.

But I digress.

There could even be some samples in for you J

That’s more like it, ‘Hit’ me with the freebies.  There are a couple of problems however:  Missing words, and more to the point: who’s J?  Charlie did you mean ‘G” because I’d probably answer to that, it’s all about roots Charlie, roots.  My name doesn’t begin with J, am I getting on Charlie, do I no longer understand the street on which I was occasionally raised?

Many thanks,


Seems a bit informal for a business deal.  Anyway let’s watch the ‘viral’ and see what all the fuss is about.


Someone, with final sign off, in the Hit head office had a brief, which they carried out to the letter:  We don’t understand the internet but; we know we need something that’s less than 2 minutes long, slightly crazy, appeals to a young demographic, and above all in no way suggests how tedious actually eating a Hit biscuit is.  And they, dear readers, succeeded.  But I don’t blame them, a car crash of a ‘viral’ that shit brightens everyone’s day, and for that I applaud them.

All there is to do now is to collect the winnings: Charlie, I’ve completed my part of the bargain, lets see yours.  I’d suggest the review, with added video embeddage, has got to be worth a good amount of free biscuits.  Do you agree?

N.B.  I noticed you’re also in contact with the Leibniz people, any chance I could get a few boxes of them instead of the Hit.  I just think they’re a bit dry.



3 thoughts on “Free biscuits, but at what cost?

  1. Are we still on for the balloon release this weekend? Join us and celebrate ‘A Homage to Fromage’ reaching our 1st anniversary? Alex James will be in attendance with his prize-winning offerings ‘There’s no other whey’ and ‘cheese so high’ yummingtons!

    Posted by Ron | May 15, 2012, 10:37 am
  2. That is a truly awful “viral”. For shame. My thanks to you biscuitben for your righteous indignation towards this advertising misadventure.

    Posted by Blockbuster | May 15, 2012, 11:37 am
  3. Ron thanks for your thoughts on the balloon release, an excellent idea. I was planning one for next weekend in support of the RSPB, but I suppose we could shoe-horn in an ‘Homage to Fromage’ first.

    Blockbuster- Thanks for putting ‘viral’ in inverted commas, it hasn’t earnt the right for them to be removed.

    Posted by biscuitswin | June 2, 2012, 9:42 am

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