It’s easy in ‘modern’ Britain to often feel like you’re just about to be ripped off, or at least someone’s going to try. It’s inevitable – crisp packets are getting smaller before our very eyes, KitKats aren’t wrappped in foil any more, Margaret Thatcher isn’t sane. Sometimes we alI look around and think, ‘Whats gone wrong’? What happened to the happy days of the Falklands, the healthy satisfaction of a Marathon bar, or Sebastian Coe in shorts instead of a suit? This country, my friends, is going to the dogs. And as if the proof that we’re locked in perpetual decline isn’t everywhere already, along comes yet another thoroughly disappointing biscuit. And oh look, what a surprise – it’s prohibitively expensive and understocked. Sometimes though, we all need a treat, a slackening of the purse strings, a day out or maybe even a quick scan of a Japanese car manufacturer’s website. Certainly we all like the quick thrill of an forbidden indulgence. And so it was with Snow Bear Biscuits. The packaging had me at Snow, and despite their frankly extortionate £1.99 price tag, I went for it. Fuck it. To be fair I think you’d all be tempted to buy them as well, they’d look nice in a good kitchen surrounded by spoilt children. As much as anything, my half imagined future lifestyle lead me to the purchase, and is so often the case I wasn’t best pleased with the results.
Actually to say I wasn’t best pleased might be somewhat of an under statement. I was fucking livid. The eagle eyed of you, (I’m assuming no-one) will have noticed that they’re clearly labeled as containing ’real YUMMY white chocolate’, so you can probably imagine my surprise when I saw these.
Where’s the fucking chocolate? No, seriously, where’s the fucking chocolate? I let the whole fox hunting thing go, I waved a teary farewell to the good ship News of The World, I appreciate that some things have to end. But where, where, does it say that you can go around claiming fictitious ingredients? There is clearly no chocolate on these biscuits. So as any other incandescent consumer would do, I checked the so called ingredients through a red haze, squinting for the understandably contentious list. And there it was ‘White Chocolate’ listed at a whopping 1.4%! 1.4%! How can they say it involves ‘real YUMMY white chocolate’? I suppose their legal termanology was intended to portray it as a flavour, but even if that was the case I certainly couldn’t taste it, in fact it tasted like a glorious buttery biscuit, wondrous in texture, uplifting in taste, in short an excellent piece of artisan biscuitry. But not it must be said, remotely white chocolatey. So I suggest a solution to this ever increasing problem, a simple legal rule to govern the industry and warn the already world weary consumer in a way we can all understand, manufacturers and customers alike.
We need a marketing ratio.
It’s all pretty simple – the larger the quantity of ingredient, the larger the amount of copy and type will be allowed. So for example, if one were to advertise Leibniz they would be allowed to write chocolate over the entire front and most of the back of the packaging, as in reality this is roughly proportionate to the ratio of chocolate to biscuit. They would have earnt that right, (as they have earnt my respect). If however, you were advertising yuppie polar bear white chocolate biscuits, you would be allowed to write ‘white chocolate’ in a size just visable to a laboratory standard microscope. On the inside of the packaging. No one would be misled, our half imagined dreams of an aspirational lifestyle wouldn’t be dashed, (at least not by the biscuits) and we could all get on with dealing with the harsh, senseless realities of the 21st century. Now go away and make my theoretical decision a reality, I have work to do, science takes time.