After retiring for the better part of August it’s once again time to
return to work and the serious business of rating, reviewing and utterly
unbiasedly scoring biscuits. If I’m honest it was a little depressing
coming back to the lab, especially as I spent my holiday at home. Some
people might call this a ‘stay-cation’, and these people are idiots.
Obviously I had been hoping for a quick invitation to join channel 4 on a
beach but their short-sighted and frankly incompetent selection staff
failed to pick me. Upon returning however there was
one small amusement which made things slightly less depressing:
Someone had made their own biscuits.
Now as regular readers will know, I’m no maverick. I believe in truth,
order and to a lesser extent Crunchie Biscuits’. Naturally my head filled
with condescending thoughts like, ‘bless her’, god loves a trier’ and
‘you’re fired’. After Dire Emma Dyer had wept and generally made a scene
we all felt a little guilty, and to a lesser extent relieved.
Margaret on reception however is slightly more empathetic than the rest of
us, and as an early, (and only) Christmas present I have agreed to a
flagrant waste of company resources Therefore, and without much
enthusiasm, I’d like to introduce you to some lemony home-made biscuits.
Taste- Not bad, quite lemony.
Feel – Depends on which one you pick up- quality control is an issue. Some are
dangerously soft whilst others could weatherproof your house.
Sight – You’ve seen the photo, lets move on.
Sound- Barely audible, except for the ones at the bottom, which result in
sounds that reverberate with the expectation of expensive dentistry.
Smell – Smell like cats.
Heart – Bless her cotton socks, she really tried. Unfortunately we have
all really tried, and still failed. I could refer to my experiences with
those fools at channel 4 as an example, but I’m past that now, I won’t
give them the satisfaction. In this instant, my heart is filled
with a condescending zeal.
So…what did we learn? Sometimes it isn’t the thought that counts, it’s
the lack of professional biscuit making equipment. Things like factories,
marketing departments and focus groups can really help to produce a
quality biscuit. In this case all three were missing, and whilst I
appreciate that god loves a trier, here at BiscuitsWin we prefer a succeeder.
Clear your desk love…