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Crunchie Biscuits. Why? and Wherefore?

Sometimes in this life, something special happens, a moment that stays with you until your dying breath. These moments happen infrequently and are all the more special for it. They have the ability to change the way you look at all aspects of your life, questioning truths you once held dear. It’s probably something akin to discovering a faith but, as a scientist I wouldn’t know anything about that.

This week I experienced such a moment.

As usual it was connected to eating biscuits. Someone at the Biscuit Research Lab made an excellent contribution to our work. He stepped up, paid his 1.39 and brought back an epiphany. At the time, lets call him Rich, had no idea of the importance of his buying decision. And what was this little slice of gold that he introduced us to? Lets have a round of applause for- The ‘Crunchie Biscuit’! Genius.

It’s now customary to run the science, weighing up its attributes against strict predetermined criteria. On we pop then.




Yawn. The glossy gold packaging is all about the jazziness and the eye is drawn by the heavy discounting, (23% off retail!) but the actual appearance of the biscuit, packaging torn open, is one of severe disappointment. All you get is a crudely enrobed milk chocolate disk. A slightly slow start then, but hopes remain high for the rest of the test.




Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and muffle the drum.


They smell like chocolate!


This is a momentous occasion at BiscuitsWin, proof positive that we are at the forefront of modern science. The letter is in the post to The New Scientist, and we’re expecting the accolades to come poring in sometime mid-week. A top top score for smell then. The Crunchie Biscuit – a class leader.




Feels like a round chocolate disk. Melts quickly. Let’s move on.




A proper solid Crunchie biting sound here, slightly tempered by the noise damping properties of chocolate. Overall though, not quite the rip-roaring sensation you might associate with a proper Crunchie. A mixed result.




Knock me down with a feather! These are better than all your golden childhood memories, and debauched adult ones, combined. Time has stood still, the birds have stopped singing. All that’s left is you, the Crunchie biscuit, and this utterly perfect moment. For taste nothing comes close. I may as well shut down the Biscuit Research Lab.



A lot of people believe in love at first sight and I’m not one of them. Or at least I wasn’t. On Friday I felt that for the first time. I knew life was going to be pretty different from now on, and 16 packets and some serious nausea later, I can confirm that my heart was stolen. Stolen by a Crunchie biscuit.


So what did we learn? Crunchie Biscuits are heavily discounted, utterly dull to look at and mediocre in the sound stakes. However, and it’s a big however, they taste better than lemons from your own lemon tree. In short, my life will never be the same again….and neither will yours.



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