It’s finally time once again, dear readers, to embark on another quest for truth. A little step towards man’s eventual dominance of everything, ever.
A lot of our time recently, at the biscuit research lab, has been preoccupied with trifling issues such as our background, the awful marketing spiel of Foxes and the utter waste of time that was the Party Ring review. Ugh.
So it is with heavy hearts that we, biscuit loving nostalgerists, (new word, no need to thank me) have taken the first shady glance at what some might call the future. I’m not talking about giant bloody cookies either, or the 15 or so attempts at making Jammy Dodgers slightly more interesting, no I’m talking about a quantic leap forward in biscuit design, and indeed biscuit thinking. Let me introduce you.
Now I’m going to crack on with the usual ‘five senses’ test shortly, but I thought it prudent to tell you a little bit about what will follow – Pictures and Opinions. The latter something utterly devoid from our previous scientific posts. As such I’m going to rattle through the senses to get to the good part.
Sight: Sexy box, foiled wrapped space food approach inside, strange shape, little bit of chocolate missing at the bottom to aid grip. Good start.
Sound: Pathetic, weak, damp squib. Shit.
Smell: No smell, standard result.
Feel: Feel like a muppet, strangely camp, without precedent therefore fear of unfamiliar. Bad result.
Taste: Christ! Jesus, why? Identical to chocolate dips, but smaller, less satisfying, ultimately underwhelmed. Low Marks.
Heart: Dead inside.
So, what did we learn? They look good, packaging and all, make a sound like a hamster whimpering and they don’t smell. The feel is one of a strange disquiet, almost imperceptibly so, and they taste like a poor mans chocolate finger. Overall then, great to look at and a total failure in all other respects. If this is the future you can keep it.
After being left so disappointed with Mikado, it was time share my findings with others and collect their thoughts. After all we care what you think. I therefore freely offered them around the office, (a rare occurrence) and gave out ‘score cards’. Their uncensored opinions are listed with photos where appropriate. For this exercise we will be enlisting the power of free speech.
@CorwinB5 was heard to quip, ‘ neat presentation, obvious handhold and easy to eat but not too crumbly’.
Whilst Lorna mused, ‘The best part was the initial impact of the biscuit i.e when I held it felt like I had a dainty wand’, with Beccy interjecting, ‘they’re pre-dipped dip sticks’.
Other more opinionated individuals like Alex, (above) simply suggested ‘Not a biscuit’. The photo amply demonstrates his confusion.
Lottie, an agressive character at the best of times, felt it was like, ‘weilding a sword’, although this is most likely character projection.
Other’s who couldn’t be photographed for legal reasons such as Stan enthused that they were ‘nice’ whilst Clare suggested that they’re ‘not good value for your dollar’. One opinionator, (who might have a future in biscuit related science) gave it a lot of thought, and then noted, ‘the ability to peel/ suck off the chocolate is ace’. Despite using the mid to late nineties term ‘ace’ it was good to see a fresh take on the quality of a biscuit. Well done to dire Emma Dyer for that.
Overall then it would appear that the general public aren’t as dim as they can first appear. A lot of really interesting public debate took place and I feel like we got to the core issues. Comments such as they’re ‘nice’ really help to spice things up. But what was the lesson to take home from today?
All stlye no substance.