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Time for a Holiday

I’ve just been going through the post bag again, (it’s become somewhat of a ritual since I started this blog), and a lot of you want to know more about the private lives of those in employed at Biscuitswin.  Now I don’t want to appear vain but my life is really interesting, and I think you should know more about it.

This thought happened to coincide with the realisation that I needed a break from science.  A holiday is called for where I can relax a little and forget graph paper even exists!  There is one small snag however, science doesn’t pay all that well.  So my thoughts turned to how one might procure a free trip to the sun.  The answer presented itself in the form of a channel 4 program called Shipwrecked which basically involves sitting around on a tropical island and talking about yourself.  Perfect!  Unfortunately the completely unusable application site doesn’t work so not wanting to have wasted a weekend’s work I thought I would post my application for the pleasure of you, dear readers.  Hopefully it will give you a better perspective on how we in the biscuit science business live.  Enjoy!


‘I am an exciting individual who loves to bake cakes, rescue cats and comb my hair. Sometimes, if I’m feeling crazy, I go to the local swimming baths and just chill. My friends describe we as wacky, zany and chaste.

I think I should be on your show because my face looks good from two out of the three main angles (above and below), and because I feel it’s my right to be on TV and therefore famous. People from all over Bristol will catch a sight of the top of my head and instantly know that they have seen, that guy from the beach what was really wacky, zany and chaste.

I don’t just look stunning from above either! I like to go to the library a couple of times a week, where there’s free books, short queues and long silent stares. Mary normally works on a Friday, but she’s been in court a lot recently.

I also love playing Badminton! It’s great exercise, there’s vending machines, and you can wear shorts. Mostly though, I love the people. The banter with Roy on reception, (what a character!), Topeka’s latest musings on geopolitics and the inane casual racism of Mum.

If you agree that I should be on your show, (and let’s face it, you probably do) I will require nothing more than £2,000 to tie up some loose ends, a crate of Rubicon Mango, and an invitation for my mum. She could live with the camera crew, you’ll like her. She’s strict but fair until she’s had too much sun. As the eventuality of too much sun is likely, I feel you should understand that she can turn into a right bitch.

I’m going to put a stamped address envelope in the post today (you should receive it by Tuesday) so that you can get my contract in the post. I’ll sign it and RTS on Wednesday and start preparing for departure. That should also give me plenty of time to put down the cats and cancel the milk.

NB. If I haven’t received the contract by Wednesday I’ll go to the sorting office and see what’s going on.

NB 2. They know me at the sorting office so it shouldn’t be a problem.

NB 3. Gary normally works on a Wednesday.’




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